Addiction
What are you addicted to?
(continued)
When we think about addiction, the first image that crosses our mind is that
of someone addicted to alcohol, tobacco, gambling or drugs. However,
addiction includes any form of fixation, obsession or habitual indulgence in
an activity. So much so that when addicted, we cannot resist this indulgence
despite being aware of its injurious impact. While in some cases this
dependence on a substance or an activity is apparently physical, in most
situations it’s essentially a psychological one.
Addiction starts with our initially flirting with the substance or the
activity, mainly to enhance our mood at that moment or seek some momentary
pleasure. However, with frequent flirtation, this indulgence becomes a habit
one that we find difficult to live without. All the same, overtime, once
we get addicted, engaging in this fixation merely serves to make us feel normal.
Many more of us are addicted than we know
Addiction then includes any uncontrolled obsession that we have for
example, for food, sweets, watching television, work, shopping, buying
latest gadgets, facebook, or loveless sex. It refers to any deeper emotional
dependency that we develop to feel good. While some of these may be less
harmful than the others, they all have a significant negative impact on us.
Defined this way, I feel we all are perhaps guilty of multiple addictions.
Furthermore, while many of us escape the more visible addictions, we do get
caught up with our own set of inner demons. Our recurring stream of thoughts
and feelings about stuff- routinely getting anxious about situations, our
persistent desire to control outcomes and the volatility of our temperament
that we find challenging to moderate- are all examples of a compulsive behavior.
To my mind, all these are addictive patterns we live with, but are ignorant
of, for the most part. These instinctive responses get so ingrained in our
state of being that we find it difficult to shake them off our personality –
they, like for an addict, start to define our “normal” behavior.
As an illustration, here are some quick examples and symptoms of such
prevalent addictions.
Anxiety
You are prone to readily getting worried about the slightest deviation from
the expected in your life. Everything from your child arriving home late
from school or your spouse traveling overseas to your appraisal meeting with
your boss or your next big presentation is a source of panic for you.
There’s always a reason to be fearful about something, that you convince
yourself about, that can or will go wrong.
Perfection
You obsess about every action, behavior and situation that appears less than
perfect for you; the mismatch of reality and your expectations bothers you
no end; you suffer from the phrase, as one poet put it, “If I’m 98% perfect
on anything I do, it’s the 2% I messed up I’ll remember when I’m through.
Control
You believe that your actions alone impact your destiny and hence want to
control the outcome of your efforts. You take yourself too seriously and are
very uncomfortable accepting failure. You are naturally drawn to controlling
others behavior too- be it your spouse, children or colleagues- and are
easily angered by their lack of adherence to your expectations.
External approval
Your sense of identity is derived entirely from your perception of how
others perceive you. You are very sensitive to others comments and easily
get upset by the slightest criticism. You are willing to sacrifice your
interests and happiness to receive their approval; you even rationalize it
within yourself as a reflection of your being a very generous and caring person.
Action
You are a restless soul. Action beckons you relentlessly and being still
even for a few moments is frustrating for you. You are constantly engaged in
something or are making plans of one. Time is always finite for you and the
underlying belief you work with is that not doing something is a waste of time.
Power
You crave for powerful roles and are possessed by a strong desire to appear
important and prevail upon others. You believe that position and power in
the socio-economic context alone reflect your success in life. Those with
limited visible status are losers in your eyes.
Criticism
You cannot but help constantly criticize something, your circumstances,
your neighbors, your family, the Government and so on. You constantly judge
yourself and others and are quick to notice people’s limitations rather than
their positives. The world for you is always getting worse and there’s
routinely someone to blame for it.
Self-improvement
You are forever striving to get better. You love self-help books and videos
and any time spent away from devoting yourself towards conscious improvement
is a waste of time for you. Setbacks are a particular personal challenge for
you as you are quick to blame yourself for your actions and circumstances.
And this list goes on…
The impact
These and other such compulsive behaviors get chiseled into our psyche and
impact our state of well-being at multiple levels. These distorted mental
models create perceptions for us that are clearly removed from reality. As a
result, we often find a gap between what we want and what we get, leading to
unending frustration, emotional angst and trauma.
Our recurring inappropriate behavior undoubtedly has a negatively influence
on how we interact with others and our relationships. Invariably, it impacts
our physical health as well. Extreme cases of obsessive thoughts can even lead to paranoia,
depression and other mental health issues.
What’s really happening in all these situations? We are so conditioned to
these thoughts and beliefs that we don’t even realize how addicted we are to
these patterns. We are instinctively drawn to these thoughts or behaviors
and find it hard to stop ourselves. Further, there’s somewhere the belief
that once we indulge in these thoughts or actions, things will go our way
and we will be happier and peaceful.
The cause
However, the thought arises in our mind, we cannot take our minds off it, it
grows uncontrolled and is eventually satisfied only by our succumbing to
its desires. We impulsively get angry, eat too much, buy possessions and
want to manipulate our circumstances to get ahead.
Underlying all these obsessive thoughts and behaviors is our sense of
incompleteness. We see ourselves lacking in some way or another and are
constantly striving to become complete by indulging in these behaviors. We
convince ourselves that this way, we would be better loved or be happier or
have better control of the outcomes of our actions. All false hopes!
Dealing with inner addictions
The only way to break this stalemate is by learning to be present in the
moment. When we are present, we can consciously become aware of these
excessive thoughts as soon as they arise and deal with them effectively. In
the very moment, when the thought is born, if we are present with ourselves,
we are in a position to acknowledge it and consciously choose to put it
aside. We neither need to suppress them nor let them fester. We simply
recognize that we have the thought and without judging it, in any way, let
it go (Vipassana….read more…).
You can then pause before rushing to check your e-mails, before considering
to distort the reality to suit your needs, before starting to be hard on
yourself, before judging others, before acceding to every demand made on you
while ignoring your own needs, and before criticizing someone.
The crucial steps of pausing and reflecting, while being present, open new
possibilities in every moment. Every situation that warrants control also
offers the possibility of acceptance; alongside blame, there’s the
possibility of compassion; instead of criticism, there’s appreciation;
instead of perfection, there’s wholesomeness; instead of looking outside for
approval, there’s inner strength and self-belief; and instead of constant
action, there’s the joy of simply being.
Needless to add, like with alcoholism or drug addition, rehabilitating
ourselves from these inner demons takes a long time. Also, withdrawal
symptoms and relapses are only normal. But with patiently committing to the
path of living in the present, we can get there. As St. Francis de Sales
said about undertaking such a journey,
What we need is a cup of understanding, a barrel of love, and an ocean of patience.
